TRANSFORMATION

TODAY I AM ASTONISHED BY A SERIES OF EVENTS STARTING ONLY A FEW DAYS AGO. BUT FATE WOULD HAVE IT SUCH THAT I FEEL ALONE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I CAN PROCESS IT. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I FEEL BITTER, ANGRY AND CONFUSED. MAINLY I FEEL USED AND STEPED ON. I DONT HAVE THE SAME OUTLOOK I DID JUST A FEW DAYS AGO. EVEN MY BEST FRIEND HAS SHOWN ME HOW LITTLE MY FEELINGS COUNT AND I AM ALONE I WILL DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF IN MY OWN WAY. WHATEVER THAT TURNS OUT TO BE. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I HAVE LOST FAITH IN THE UNIVERSE. IT SEEMS I WILL HAVE TO FIGHT TO SURVIVE AND MORE THAN LIKELY I WILL JUST TURN MYSELF AWAY FROM EVERYBODY. I AM SUSPICIOUS AND TERRIFIED. TEARS ARE ALWAYS CLOSE TO FALLING FROM MY EYES. I HAVE LOST SOMETHING AND NOBODY REALIZES THAT I AM SUFFERING AND NO ONE SHOWS THE KINDNESS THAT I NEED. ONLY MY PARENTS ARE REALLY THERE FOR ME. EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE THINGS I CANT TALK ABOUT WITH THEM, I KNOW THAT I AM UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED BY THEM AND THEY ARE VERY OLD. I AM NOT SURE HOW LONG I WILL HAVE THEM AROUND FOR SUPPORT AND GUIDANCE FROM THIS AWFUL WORLD. I AM RESOLUTE THAT I WILL FIND MY OWN WAY AND ONLY THROUGH MYSELF WILL I REALIZE WHAT I HAVE TO HAVE FOR ME AND ME ALONE. WILL I BE SELFISH? YOU BET. I HAVE TO TURN THIS ANGER INTO SOMETHING GOOD FOR ME AND ME ALONE. I HAVE BEEN RIPPED OFF MY FRIENDS ( OR WHAT I THOUGHT WERE FRIENDS) BUT THEY HAVE BEEN WORKING BEHIND MY BACK TO GET THEMSELVES WHAT THEY WANT WHY SHOULDNT I DO LIKEWISE. I HAVE ME. AND THAT IS ENOUGH. I CAN MAKE MY LIFE MEAN SOMETHING WITHOUT ALL THESE PRETENDERS WANTING MY CASH AND MY VEHICLE AND ALL THE TRAPPINGS OF THE COMFORTABLE LIFE MY PARENTS HAVE AFFORDED ME TO HAVE. IT IS MINE. I WILL SURVIVE AND I WILL BE STRONGER. I MUST SAY I HAVE LOST A LOT OF FAITH IN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. MOST ACT AS ANIMALS AND ARE VICIOUS SELFISH AND SEEM TO HAVE NO FEELING. BUT I HAVE TO GRIEVE AND PROCESS ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT INTO SOMETHING CREATIVE AND NEW. I HAVE CHANGED. I DONT KNOW FOR SURE WHAT THIS NEW ME WILL BE LIKE BUT I AM READY TO TRY IT OUT. SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION. BUT A REAL CHANGE IN BEING IS MEANT TO OCCUR AND CIRCUMSTANCES ARE FORCING ME TO ALLOW A NEW EMERGENCE OF SELF. TRANSFORMED BY LOSS AND REJECTION.