I met Maverick in july of 2006 at a party for a friend of mine who I bonded out of jail. Maverick was outside by my car and he said " hey you know what? I like you" and I said do you know who your talking to? because I'm gay and that sounds a little like a come on. He said no that's not what he meant but that he found me interesting and wanted to get to know me. Fine. And so the odyssey began. After a few days we were spending every spare minute together and I consequently fell in love. He was 19 I was 45 and he was incredibly good looking and had a deep expressive heart that he was bursting inside to let someone know him for real. But when I told him I was falling in love he immediately backed away and his words "I've never gotten so close to anybody so fast in my life and I need to slow this down and back away." I understood but his fascination with me kept it so that no matter what happened we always came back to one another. He broke up with his girlfriend and stayed in a state of limbo for 2 years during which time I found myself very emotionally invested in this relationship. We never had sex and I was to afraid of losing him to ever push the issue. although he multiple times saw to it that we were in situations where it could have easily happened. I never made that first move. I almost felt it would be unethical to do so. But the bond that we shared those initial 2 or 3 weeks was so unbelievable that when he got scared and broke it off. I almost lost it. It wasn't just a gay guy falling for a straight guy. There was a bond there that seemed to be cut of by his choice and though we reestablished a good friendship it was never what it was or what it seemed it could have been. Now he is gone and I feel like I have spent a huge chunk of my life trying to have that special something back that never seemed to come back. Now he is with a girl has changed his life he is going to be a father. She is pregnant and I know that no matter how much I wanted it to turn out differently it didn't. He voluntarily opened up so much of himself to me emotionally that I felt crushed when he, afraid as he was of what he may have felt, kept a distance and now I cant have him no matter how much I want to I have to go another way. But I was virtually celibate when I met him so not a lot has changed and before him I had a full life. What I regret is not ever finding a way to make that closeness that I know we both knew was there, make it into what it could have been. Maybe it never could have been. But for lack of trying I will never know. Will I ever meet anyone like that again. Really I think at this point in my life I will make the love of my life knowledge and the pursuit of truth. I am an intellectual by nature and this is something I can throw myself into. Tomorrow is Mavericks 21st birthday and he has really grown up and I miss him so much it hurts. But I know all men and all women of all times have suffered great loss and endured great pain and I know in this world I am in good company of hurt people. we've all been hurt somehow someway. I just need to channel all of this pent up desire and need for a real partner into some other channel. I think now I don't want to try for something again. In this life it was he that was meant for me and now that I can't have him, then my life has to center around other pursuits and interests. Writing this down helps me get this out of my system. I will always miss him and he can never be an ordinary friend. So I have said my goodbyes and he is on a path and I am on another. I am on a lonelier path but it is a path of new discovery for I always wish to learn. Experience and learning are what I was put on this planet for........ and for Maverick.... but with that lost my lover is knowledge and learning new things and having new experiences. I have some good friends and I know I will make it and I will push even harder with this sublimation of my energies into these new pathways.
But oh how much I wish I could have shared it with this one special shinning star. Maverick Wayne Kissler I will always love you till the day I die and I don't believe anyone can ever take your place. So onward and upward. LIVE! and LIVE fully. Now maybe I am ready to write that book I have always wanted to write. Goodbye what should have been. Hello to a new and open start.
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