I have to leave a monument to what was and what could have been. I am so full of emotion and confusion now that no one I know could begin to understand. Back in July of 2006 I met a young 19 year old guy named Maverick Kissler. I've never gotten so close to anyone so fast in my life and I know he felt the same way because that quote is actually from him. But it ended quickly because he was so frightened by what was happening. He kept running from me and repeatedly coming back. But I know he is not coming back now and this is what has me so distraught. I feel as though I have thrown away the only thing that I ever really thought I was living for. He's gone and I have to greive the loss. He is not dead. He has a new girl and she is the one and he will be with her for who knows how long because she will be the mother of his child. No one can really relate because few people realize how much time we spent together. Much of it was secret and now this love from a distance, this crazy dance we did is over and I feel I didn't really try hard enough. This was the very thing I wanted and I never fought for it. I was afraid to push him into something he wasn't sure he wanted. He has his whole life to go and I am 46. I feel like I had what I wanted in my hands. He waited on me to lead and I didnt. Now I have to deal on what could have been and also realize he isn't coming back for me. He is through waiting on me. He is doing what he is supposed to do and I hope he is happy. If he really is happy then that is what should be. But if not and he is following a prescribed expected role then I failed in my message and I failed at getting the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Somehow I thought we after a time would fall into what was intended naturally. Because it is for certain we spent many awkward moments alone in the dark and I was so afraid I might lose him I never tried to show him how much I loved him. Oh I told him I loved him and why and how much. But I never did what he always tried to get me to see... don't talk about it, just do what you feel like doing. For all practical purposes of finding true fulfillment in a relationship I believe my life is over. Too little too late and I feel empty. One thing that subconsciously I was holding on to is no longer an option. That he would come back. He always did. The connection we made those first few days we met was so deep and so clean and clear and natural that I know I will never find that again anywhere. The future is so unclear because I am tired and tired of trying. Everything else now is but cardboard and insipid tasteless nothing. I don't know how I will ever pick up where I left off. I was so strong. I now feel so weak so hopeless I don't know whether I really want to live anymore. What for ? I made him laugh and I made him think and I wanted him for myself. I am not jealous of the girl that he is with. She can not be blamed. I am left with just myself and luckily I have friends. But I am alone in my pain. Maverick was meant for me and I didn't leap when the chance was facing me clear and open to have what I wanted. I was afraid. What a terrible and painful confession. How life proceeds post Maverick I do not know but I need to be watched by those who care. I am good at concealing from myself as well as others what I might do, and what I might do scares me more than I've ever been scared in my life. I really feel like I am done with life. What will allow me to allow myself to revive? I don't know that it will ever happen. I just can't see a future without him. So ............... chances are large that some accident will claim my life. I won't really intend it but it will take place of its own accord. Why did I meet him? Why did I have to go through this? Is this supposed to make me stronger? I feel like I've already been cut off from my oxygen supply. Disease and fatal destinies seem to be welcome to me. I want to rest the soft deep rest of death.