After 23 days since seeing Maverick for the last time,, I feel I am ready, with a relatively objective hand, to write up a synopsis that will serve as a template for a letter I will have to hand deliver to Maverick. I must always be sure that when I end relationships it must be ended in honesty. I never would want the record to be left unofficial especially in light of the intensity of the relationship and the possible rumors that could unfold. I also must give my final version of the events of that 23 days ago time period. About the first of July of 2006. not quite a year and half ago. I met Maverick. It was not love at first sight, but with in 2 weeks I was taken aback at how fast and how hard I had fallen in love. I must say I am 46, at the time 44, yet I have never been so blindly thunderstruck in my entire life. It slipped up on me before I new it and because of the special circumstances of our new freindship I saw no reason to guard myself. Even though he would not admit it, at the time I thought he was gay, and though he seems sexually quite at home with the opposite sex, and, I am sure on the sexual side he is quite straight, I still however do think he is emotionally far more easily bonded with men. At the time I had never made a distinction. So much was that part obvious, that I saw no reason, until now, to continue to suffer through our relationship hoping that some sort of equilibrium might be met. I loved him so much that I didn't really care if a sexual relationship ever developed. I will not belabor the unecessary by telling the stormy and insane ins and outs of our relationship... suffice it to say I lost most of my freinds got addicted to a drug and almost ended up destroying myself before I woke up and realized that this 20 year old boy was only going to be the makings of depression and an early grave if something was not done. Yes he did spend almost all his time with me. He broke up with his girlfriend shortly after meeting me and only 5 weeks ago did he establish a relationship with a girl 3 years older than himself fresh out of prison. And though as a person she is great, and I really do like her, Damn, ... he could do so so so much better. I wish I had a photo to put on the net. This guy is so hot he can look at cold water and cause it to boil in under a second. What made it all the worse, except for the terrible high intensity fights we got into all the time, though he could likely have had girls around him on both arms at all times if he so chose, He never so chose, and all in all he spent I'd say at least 75 percent of his free time alone with me. Not always alone but just about. Now not every one new we spent so much time together cause he wanted to keep it on the qt that he spent the majority of his time running with a 46 year old gay man. especially from his family and certain of his older friends that he didn't see that much anymore. after a while people were calling him my boyfriend and he couldn't care less. but that took a while to develope. And so one can see why whether he wanted a sexual relationship or not I saw value in persevering. likewise though, many a person that knew us were certain he was taking advantage of me. After all why would he be spending so much time with me... there had to be a reason and some people thought that only by nature of my buying him could I ever hope to get so much face to face time with a knockout like him, not to mention the 26 year age gap. In truth no one ever treated me more politely and more considerately than he and let that stand for the record. Though I did spend a lot of money on him, when it ran out he did not, and usually put himself to the task of coming up with our running around money. Few would believe it, but its true. Yes many times he did hurt me, but I did so likewise. I am sure the pain on my part however, was infinitely more when he hurt me. But often when he hurt me, provocation was, I think, one of the only ways he knew how to test if you still were paying attention. lots of people thought he said terribly hurtful things to me because they didn't understand that he was trying to get a response and I always made a point of not showing my emotions and to never display jealousy. Once he'd finally go too far, and usually we would holler like idiots, and not talk to one another for any where from a day to two or three weeks.
So on to what I was headed for. The closing official words. by the way this is something I have never said. And I hope he doesn't come back. Because in actuality, I know he will, and it will take all I've got to keep things final. Of course I could be surprised and he might break down and start crying. But no matter what his orientation is I know he is not ready if he is gay. And on some level he is definitely male oriented. From this group he seeks approval and it's guys with whom ultimately he spends his time. Any time he has had a girlfriend she has usually been exclusively for quickie sex as far as I can tell. Once again I am off the subject.
I guess I intend this to be a final love poem or love song dedicated to what I believe I will never experience again. Of course If sex had entered into the situation I would have been destroyed if he couldn't handle it, because the intensity would have multiplied. And ultimately he will not want to stay with a guy my age. He still has so much growing up to do. What had me tricked is that ordinarily a guy that good looking at age 20 is busy chasing pussy, and wouldn't have 5 minutes for me. This was a puzzle. I truely believe that I would have been able to forget about things much quicker if he'd had enough sexual confidence to let me give him a blow job early on. In such a case ( as with half of straight guys ) Id be sure he was straight. Combine his clear fear of all things gay with our unspoken bond and he definitely had me strung along. Now he never intended that. He did however love to be looked at and he thoroughly loved my undying adoration for his body. Just would never let me touch it. Oh hell. I never tried. Too afraid of losing him.
I can still see his face. And in all truth I don't think he realizes that no one has ever or probably ever will love him as much as I did and still do. He was undying in enthusiasm over everything, full of so much youth and curiousity. I so much wanted to introduce him to my world of education. I wanted to help him get his GED. But out of fear (mine) we kept things simple and I never pushed him. He was so afraid of the world and prefered to act as though he had it all under control. I guess that vulnerability was just so beautiful. The thing I regret the most is losing myself because the me he met before I was knocked so off center was the person he was in love with. If I could have had the courage to stay me he may have had no choice. I am only now gaining confidence and starting to recognize the guy he fell in love with. Gosh I say that with such confidence now, like I knew he fell in love with me. Well in the beginning I believe he did. Just a few days after we met we started on a marathon of 16 days where we saw nobody but each other. Shit it was like everyone we knew thought we dropped off the face of the earth. Then it hit him. Bam, and everything ended for a while because It scared him to death. I think he hadn't been aware that he could feel that way and it was with a guy. He said "it scares me... I've never gotten so close to someone so fast in my life." Neither had I. When he ran off it almost killed me. I knew he'd be back but... oh I was so sure we'd come all that way together. though we spent endless hours together after that. It was never the same because he was always afraid.... not so afraid that he stayed away, but that we were always on edge. Nothing felt so natural, so alive like those 16 days had. And now its all over because now I will settle for nothing short of that again. So short of him resorting to tears and begging on bended knee will be enough to change the course I am now on. I am healing and I am learning and what I see in myself I like. So, no, short of marraige we will maintain the distance. Don't get me wrong I will always love him. And, If he calls anytime in trouble or scared and needs me for that short moment till I fix it for him I will be the first one there because I truely feel deep concern for his welfare.
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