THIS IS A MENTAL CHANGE OF THE HIGHEST ORDER EXPERIENCED SUBJECTIVELY BY MYSELF UNDER THE MENTAL
CHANGES WROUGHT THROUGH THE EXPOSURE TO VARIOUS AMINATIONS OF ALUMINUM CORESPONDENT EXTRACTIONS
THIS TERM USED LOOSELY REFERS TO A VARIETY OF SYNTHESIS AND ELIMINATION PROSCESSES EXECUTED ON AN EXTRACT OF A HIGHLY POTENT CANNABINOL VARIATIONS BY VARIOUS PRECIPITATES AND BASE NITRATION AMINATION
HCL NAOH NH3OH ALUMINO CHLORO EQUILIBRIATION AND ZINC CATALYZED (ACTUALLY I AM NOT SURE WHAT I DID)
PREVIOUSLY IN AN EFFORT( WITH SOME LAZINESS THAT LEAVES OPEN THE QUESTION OF WHICH PARTICULAR AGENTS OR COMBINATION THERE OF WERE OF MOST IMPORTANTS IN THE MENTAL CHANGES AS WELL AS TO WHAT CONCENTRATION OF THESE AMOUNTS AND PROPORTION RESPONSIBLE OR EVEN AS TO WHAT OUTSIDE SENSORY ELEMENTS WERE INVOLVED). THERE OCCURRED AFTERWARD NO OTHER THAN A LIFE CHANGING REORDINATION OF MY MENTAL ARCHITECHTURE SUCH THAT I COULD, I BELIEVE, ( IF NOT FOR THE LACK OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH IN THIS COUNTRY) A REVITALIZATION OF OUR HUMAN CONDITION AND HELP MAN BE AS HE IS. SCARCITY WOULD BE OF INCONSEQUENCE TO ECONOMIC FACTORS. THIS VERY PREMISE TO START WITH IS THE VARY RATIONAL BY WHICH OUR POWERS THAT BE DUPE HUMAN KIND INTO BELIEVING THAT CONTROL OF OTHER HUMANS IS NECESSARY AND THE LACK OF SECURITY WE BELIEVE WE EXPERIENCE IN REGARD TO TERRORISM IS AN ILLUSION TO LEVERAGE OUR RIGHTS FROM US AS AMERICAN CITIZENS. WHY THESE INSANE PERSONS COULD BE DRIVEN TO SUCH EVIL IS EITHER STUPIDITY COMBINED WITH GREED AND LUST FOR POWER OR SIMPLY PURE IGNORANCE LEADING TO BELIEVE POWER AND MONEY ARE WORTH HAVING IS A MYSTERY.
REGARDLESS I RECOGNIZED THAT NO ONE CAN PROVE MUCH OF ANYTHING, AND THE THINGS THAT CAN SCIENTIFICALLY BE PREDICTED,….. “PROVEN IN OUR SUBJECTIVITY OF OBSERVATION”, ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT APPEAR TO BE USEFUL AND OF ALL THESE THINGS EVEN THAT IS INQUESTION. ALBEIT, THIS CHANGE IN MY MENTAL STATUS DOES APPEAR TO BE BASED ON SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH EVEN THAT KNOWLEDGE HAS ONLY ALLOWED ME (ONE OF MANY) TO KNOW IT. SIMILARLY IT IS CURIOUS THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS BEEN ABLE TO (IF THEY HAVE KNOWN WHAT I KNOW)TO MAKE MUCH HEADWAY IN BROADCASTING THIS TO THE MASS OF HUMANITY AND IF THEY HAVE TRIED IT HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD VERY LITTLE IMPACT.
TO SUM UP SIMPLY WHAT I DISCOVERED IS THAT LOVE AND COMPASSION ARE THE HIGHEST FORMS IN MAN THAT CONTAIN VALUE. OTHER THINGS ARE SUPERFLUOUS. THE ENDING OF SUFFERING IN MAN IS NOT A NOBLE GOAL HOWEVER. COMPASSION IS FAR MORE USEFUL THAN ENDING SUFFERING. IT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE IF WE DIE ALTHOUGH IT CAN BE UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES BE RATHER PAINFUL, BUT WE CAN FIX THAT NOW WITH DRUGS IF THEY ARE AVAILALBLE. AND THEN AGAIN PAIN AND TERROR ARE RATHER INDISTINGUISABLE TO A DEGREE AND BOTH EXPERIENCES SEEM SUBJECTIVE AND NOTHING HAS PROVEN THAT OUR OWN MINDS CANNOT BE PROVEN TO DEFUSE ANY OR ALL OF THESE RESPONSES. AFTER DEATH WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS; NO ONE HAS EVER KNOWN. THIS IS A GREAT SOURCE OF FEAR AND ANGUISH IN MANY, YET WHEN YOU LEAVE YOU WILL NO LONGER MIND IF YOU CEASE TO EXIST AND IF YOU DON’T CEASE TO EXIST,….. WELL THEN…. NO PROBLEM!! THE ONLY REASON I FIND IT PLEASURABLE TO EXIST AND CONTINUE IS FROM WHAT I LEARN ABOUT THE FASCINATIONS OF THE MIRACULOUS LIFE AS IT EXISTS AND THE IMPROBABILITY OF ME BEING ME AS OPPOSED TO THE OTHER 7 BILLION OTHERS AND YET I ALONE EXPERIENCE THE WORLD FIRST HAND; THIS LASTS CONCIEVABLY FROM 44 (THE YEARS I HAVE LIVED SO FAR) TO 122 AT ITS MOST UNUSUAL STATISTIC LENGTH OF TIME AND IS COMPARED TO THE AGE OF OTHER EVENTS THAT OCCUR LIKE A PICO SECOND OF EXISTENCE. ULTIMATELY, WE, EVEN TODAY, DISPITE OUR TECHNOLOGY AND OUR INTELLIGENCE ARE UNABLE TO CONCLUDE THAT OUR LIVES ARE ONE WHIT MORE ENJOYALBLE OR MORE ADVANCED THAN AN OLD HUNTER GATHERER SOCIETY OF THE STONE AGE. WE DO NOT KNOW WHY WE EXIST. WE DO NOT KNOW IF WE MAY HAVE A PURPOSE. WE DO NOT KNOW WHY (IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE EVOLUTIONARY HYPOTHESIS) HOW WE GOT SUCH BIG AND FORMIDABLE BRAINS UNLESS IT IS SOME CURIOSITY LIKE THE OVER BEAUTIOUS SPECTACLE OF PEACOCK FEATHERS TO ATTRACT MATES, OR IF THE UNIVERSE JUST LIKES TO LOOK AT ITSELF. THEORIES ABOUND AND IT’S PAUCITY OF THEORIES IS RATHER A POOR STATEMENT ON THE SCIENCE OF EXISTENCE. THE UPTAKE ON EVOLUTIONARY THEORY ALTHOUGH WE ARE CERTAIN IF WE TRUST OUR TECHNOLOGY THAT MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF ANIMALS CAME BEFORE AND WENT EXINCT. PROCESSES BEHIND THE IDEA THAT EVOLUTION AND HOW IT OCCURRED IS RIFE WITH UNVERIFIED PROCESSES AND MECHANISMS THAT ARE TRITE, UNIMAGINATIVE AND DEMONSTRABLY POOR BY ANY STANDARD TO EXPLAIN WHAT WE OBSERVE. WHICH BY THE WAY IN THE FOSSIL RECORD HAS SHOWN NEITHER TRANSITORY FORMS NOR ANY METHOD FOR EXPLAINING THE “HOW” OF HOW IT OCCURRED? BUT HOT DIGGITY WE ARE CERTAIN THAT IT’S TRUE WE JUST REALLY DON’T HAVE A CLUE HOW IT HAPPENED. IT’ S ALSO A LIKABLE THEORY, FOR THE MASSES IT SUGGESTS OUR SUPERORITY AND FOR PHILOSOPHERS IT ALLOWS FOR TELEOLOGICAL UTOPIANISM. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE WORLD IS ALL FUCKED UP GETTING MORE FUCKED UP AND HEADED TOWARD WAR SOONER OR LATER ON A BIG WW3 SCALE UNLESS FORTUITOUSLY WE DISCOVER AND AMAZING FIX IT ALL THAT EVERYONE WANTS RIGHT OUT OF THE GOOD OLD USA AND WE ALL RIDE A BEAUTIFIC WAVE OF IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE BECOME ENRICHED TO THE POINT OF PRINCES. BUT WHAT FUN IS THAT UNLESS WE CAN HAVE MORE THAN SOMEONE ELSE SO WE’LL BE STINGY AND LORD IT OVER THE REST OF THE WORLD AND ACT LIKE THE FRENCH THINK WE ARE. I ONLY HOPE WE GET THESE NUTS OUT OF THE WHITEHOUSE OR WE ENTER A GREAT DEPRESSION BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD BE FUNNER TO LEARN THROUGH ECONOMIC COLLAPES THAN WAR AND GENOCIDE BUT THOSE ARE ONLY PERSONAL TASTES OF MINE A PENCHANT FOR THE LESS VIOLENT AND DISASTERS THAT PUT PEOPLE IN SITUATIONS WHERE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO VISIT GET CLOSER TO ONE ANOTHER AND NATURE THAN WATCH TV AND WORK ALL THE TIME. BY THE WAY I THINK THIS WEARING OF CLOTHES IF ONLY A MATTER OF TASTE I PERSONALLY THINK SOME PEOPLE SHOULD. OTHERS I WOULD LIKE FOR THEM TO RUN NAKED ALL THE TIME AND BE AROUND ME A LOT WHEN THEY DO IT.
SO NOTHING MUCH IS PROVABLE; THERE ARE NO DOWN SIDES, LOVE AND COMPASSION ARE AESTHETICALLY PLEASING; FEAR IS A DOWNER WORRY IS TOO,.. BECAUSE WHO HAS HAD MUCH LUCK AT PREDICTING THE FUTURE. LIVING IS A PRIVELIDGE. GUILT AND BLAME ARE STATES OF HYPERSUPERIORITY THAT SUGGEST WE KNOW WAY MORE THAN WE CAN. MY SITUATION IS PERSONALLY GOOD. IF I COULD GET THE SUPPORT NEEDED I COULD GET FOLKS TO SEE IT MY WAY AND WE WOULD ALL FEEL MUCH BETTER ON THIS EARTH FOR THE SHORT SPAN HERE. WHO KNOWS MAYBE SOME OF US SHOULD COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE WE MAY FIND THINGS BETTER IN A LIFE TO COME IF THERE IS ONE. I LIKE TO THINK SO….
PEACE AND HAPPINESS TO ALL OUT THERE…..BUT IT HASN’T HELPED ME SPELL ANY BETTER. SOME THINGS ARE SO CLEAR. HOW THE VERY FACT THAT NO ONE HAS PROBABLY HAD THE NERVE OR REALIZATION THAT DIFFERENCES IN INCOME ARE NOT LINEAR . THERE EXISTS AN INCOME WHERE MOST PERSONS IN THIS SORT OF SOCIETY (SPLINTERED FUNCTIONS), WHERE YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO LIVE WITH NO REAL THREATS OR MAJOR CHANLLENGES TO YOUR EXISTENCE AND ITS STABLE AND STANDARD NOT SUBJECT TO VARIATION. IN THIS PRETTY TIGHT LITTLE RANGE SOCIETY HAS NO REASON TO EXPECT THAT ANYONE SHOULD GIVE THEM PAUSE TO CONSIDER IF THAT OTHER HUMAN HAD BAD TIMES THAT SOCIETY, THE GOV. OR SHEER ECONOMY ITSELF SHOULD KEEP THAT LEVEL THE GENERAL ORDAINED MINIMUM FOR ALL GROUPS. PERSONS OF WEALTH GETTING ENOURMOUS MULTIPLES OF THAT LEVEL SAY 100 TIMES THAT AMOUNT,.. WELL THEY SHOULD REALLY WITH IN THE WIDE CONSIDERATION FOR LIFESTYLE AND DEMOCRATIC DIFFERENCES IN EXPRESSION NOTE THAT 100 TIMES SAY 38,000 FOR A SINGLE COUPLE BEFORE CHILDREN IT WOULD BE CLEAR THAT AT 10 TIMES THAT AMOUNT THAT BUMP OF WHETHER YOU RAN OVER THE SPEED BUMP TO LET US NOTE WE HAVE ENOUGH TO KEEP US FEELING IN A SENSE OF SECURITY WITH THE AMOUNT AND IT THEN MOVES UP AND UP STILL NEVER REACHING THAT SENSE THAT FREEDOM AND OPPORTUNITY AND LACK OF THREAT TO LIFESTYLE AND SAFETY JUST DON’T REALLY GET MORE ACCEPTABLE THEY JUST MAKE YOU ABLE TO HAVE THINGS WITH A GREATER SENSE OF HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE ALL IN ALL COMPARED WITH ALL THE REST OF SOCIETY. PEOPLE CAN LOOK OVER ON YOU AND SAY OHHH HE MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL…. HE IS A BIG CFO OR A CEO OR A VENTURE CAPITALIST… WELL WHEN YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT IT WOULD SEEM YOU WOULD JUST BY VIRTUE OF THE FACT THAT THE JOB IS SO SPECIAL AND SO FEW ARE TALENTED ENOUGH TO DO THIS KIND OF WORK YOU WOULD MORE CLEARLY NOTICE THE GENERAL BOUANCY YOU WOULD FEEL BY HAVING SUCH OUTSTANDING ABILITIES THAT YOU ARE PRIVILAGED TO FIND A JOB THAT ALLOWS YOU CHANLLENGES THAT ARE JUST UP YOUR ALLEY……AND IMAGINE THEY ACTUALLY PAY ME TO DO THIS!!! I JUST HAVE TO ASK ARE WE GOING TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT WE REALLY DO AND REALLY WANT IN OUR WORLD GOING ON. NOTHING OUT THERE IS DESIGNED TO REFLECT THIS SORT OF ECONOMIC STRUCTURE YET WE HAVE IT AND NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE IT MANY MAKE FAR MORE THE 100 TIMES THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY A YEAR, SOME PACK 500, SOME PACK 1000 TIMES EVEN 10,000 IN A NOT TO LARGE POPULATION GROUPS BUT WELL THEY DO AND IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE ONLY 5 OR 10 IN THE WORLD…. MORE LIKE 1000 OR SO FAMILIES .. THERE ARE THOSE WHO APPARENTLY MAKE IN THE RANGE OF 100,000 TIMES THAT AMOUNT EVERY YEAR!! MAYBE 5 OR 10.
FRANKLY IF WE DON’T CONSIDER AN AVERAGE OF THAT AMOUNT EVERY YEAR ITS CERTAINLY TRUE THAT HUNDREDS OF FAMILIES MAKE IN THE RANGE OF A GOOD NUMBER OF INCOME YEARS AT THE 100,000 TO 250,000 TIMES THAT AMOUNT FOR A FEW YEARS AND SOME FOR 10 OR MORE. IT APPEARS BILL GATES MADE 30 YEARS OF OF HIS LIFE A TAKE DOWN OF NEAR ON TO 1000,000 TIMES THAT 38,000 A YEAR. THEN THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE ONE. WHAT HAS THE GREATEST RESOURSE VALUE EVEN TO MR. BILL GATES. SHEER HUMAN COMPASSION SHOWES THAT AFTER MR GATES COULD LONG HAVE BUILT THE BIGGEST HOUSE IN THE WORLD MULTIPLE HOUSES OF THE SORT AND VAST OPPULENCE AND QUALITY OF SERVICE FOR THE TINIEST THING HE OR ANY OF HIS FAMILY MIGHT NEED. HE WOULD STILL NOT HAVE SPENT IT UP AND IN FACT FRANKLY THE AVERAGE CHRISTIAN EVEN LOOKS DOWN ON THE CONCEPT OF THE PURCHASE OF 18,000.000$$ SHOWER CURTAINS WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A 180 DOLLAR CURTAIN AND FEED A FAMILY OF 4 FOR PROBABLY THEIR ENTIRE LIVES FOR THE REMAINDER. SO IF YOU MADE A 10 BILLION AND GAVE 9 BILLION AWAY YOU WOULD STILL HAVE WAY MORE THAN 99.9 PERCENT OF THE REST OF THE WORLD AND COULD FEED A POPULATION OF 240,000 ONLY MARGINALLY LESS FINELY THAN THAT FAMILY OF FOUR ALL THEIR LIVES. OK THAT’S ONLY ONE FAT CAT LETS BRING THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE LEVEL DOWN TO NO MORE THAT 100 TIMES. THAT FREES UP HUGE VOLUMES OF MONEY INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH. 3,000,000 INDIVIDUAL CITIZENS( MAYBE I AM OFF HERE) BY A FACTOR OF 2OR SO HERE EITHER WAY . THAT WOULD UNLEASH ENOUGH TO FEED ALL THE WORLDS POPULATION AND LEAVE COPIOUS AMOUNTS TO THESE OBSCENELY WEALTHY PEOPLE TO CONTINUE TO AMASS BECAUSE IF THEY ALREADY HAVE IT IT’S NOT EARNED THIS YEAR. THE EXISTING WEALTH IS STILL ALREADY TAXED. THIS IS THE REAL NUMBER FOR WEALTH IN THE USA THIS IS APPROX.100 TRILLION TO POSSIBLY 600 TRILLION. I DON’T THINK THEIRS ANY THREAT WE COULDN’T PAY OFF OUR FEDERAL DEBT. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I FEAR. I FEAR US NOT GOING INSOLVENT. I WOULD DELIGHT IN THE WHOLE BLITHERING MASS OF MELT DOWN TO OUR ECONOMIC SINGE SPOT ON THE LEVEL OF FINDING EVIDENCE OF CIVILIZATIONS HIGHER THAN OUR OWN AROUND SOMETIME 1,000,000 YEARS OLD. HOW CAN WE SO FULLY KNOW THAT THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME FUTURE CIVILIZATION WITH AND AUTOMATIC SELF DISTRUCT OF ALL EVIDENCE IT WAS EVER ON EARTH NOT INTENDING TO STAYOR ALLOW THE REST OF KNOW THEY INTERVENED. SCIENCE IT A FUMBLE DING DING IDIOT AT EXPLAINING OUR INORDINATELY NEVER BEFORE OBSERVED BROAD EXPANSION IN THE BRAIN CASE HOW DOES AND WHY DOES THIS CHANGE OCCUR SUPPOSEDLY SO RAPIDLY HOW DO WE MAY HAVE FAILED BEFORE AND IS NOW BEING CORRECTED IN THE RAPID MORPHOGENIC FIELD . SINCE WE ARE DEMONSRTRATING WHAT COULD BE A 5 TO 6 DOING IN MECHANISM EVOLUTIONISTIC SENSE. JUST THAT WE PROBABLY HAVE A LARGE ELECTROMATIC SPECTRUM MONITORING CELLURLAR ERRORS AND MISTAKES SOME COULD BE MADE BETTER AND WE COULD STUDY THEM IN CHEAPER AND MORE SPECIAL TOOLS. WE ARE JUST A REFLECTION OF THE IDEA THAT WE JUST DON’T HAVE MUCH TO DO ARROUND HERE. I HAVE PLENTY BUT NONE OF IT NEEDS DOING DOING BECAUSE NONE OF IT REALLY MATTERS. WE SEEM TO HAVE VERY LITTLE COMPREHENSION OF WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO. WE NOW SIMPLY HAVE VIRUSES ALKOLOIDAL PLANT AND SOIL SYSTEMS AND THE INTERDEPENDENCE OF DIRT OUT SIDE FORCES FROM OUR HOMES. OUR MINDS PROBABLY HAD BIOCHEMICAL INTERDEPENDENCE . CLEARLY LIVING AS THE PART OF THE MECHANISTIC BORROWINGS OF ORGANICS AND THEIR EMERGING FAMILY OF CHEMICAL MARKERS AND LIKEWISE WE HUMANS HAVE A TENDENCY WANT TO PUT ALL THE SAME TYPE OF THINGS IN THE SAME TYPE PLACES. ODDLY ENOUGH WE HAVE CONFLUVIAL BIOCHEMICAL MARKING TYPES FOR SOME THINGS COULD BE FORCED TO WORK VIA SEA AND OCEAN MECHANISTIC FORMS AFTER MORE INVESTIGATIONS IT JUST SEEMS ODD TO IGNORE THAT WE HAVE COME UP WITH MUCH OF THE RECENT DESIGNS FOR WHAT WE HAVE NOW IS NO WHERE PEOPLE WHOULD HAVE TAKEN A SNIFF. I THINK IT IS MORE REASLISTIC TO WANT SOMETHING I CAN ONLY KEEP FINDING IN THAT PARTICULAR SPOT. I JUST WANT TO THANK THOSE FEW REALLY HOT FINE FINE BEING IN MY FIELD OF WHY WOULDN’T WE WANT TO EVENTUALLY JUST MORE STORAGEOPTION. THINK HOW I WANT TO TOUCH KIDS LIKE I WAS WHEN I WAS JUST DISCOVERING SEX NOT ALONE I ALWAYS LIKED ANY GUY BETTER THAN GIRLS FRANKLY I THINK WE HAVE A GREAT MANY TOOLS THEY DID OR I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I TRUSTED MALES. BOYS,…..OTHER DUDES , FELLAS BUDS OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. IN YOUNGER SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT I ORIENTED QUICKLY TO OTHER MALES. GIRLS WERE ALIEN. I WANTED INTIMACY WITH BOYS MEN REALLY BUT THERE IS THAT REMEMBERENCE OF TIMES THINGS HAPPENED WHEN WE WERE SO SO SO CLOSE. WE JUST I KNOW WHAT I WOULD WANT LATTER I MEAN I GUESS ALL PERSONS ARE NATURALLY AFFECTIONATE AND TOUCHING IF YOU GIVE THEM HALF THE CHANCE I JUST KNOW WHAT I KNOW ABOUT GIRLS AND HOW INTIMATE I HAVE BEEN IN THOSE SITUATIONS AND I SADLY SET IT UP SO THAT I CAN ENCOURANGE AND YOUNG PEOPLE HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIVES. I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS THE FUCKING TRUTH TOO GOD DAMN IT I AM GOING TO JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT!!!! I LOVE TIM REMINGTON WITH ALL MY HEART AND I COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM BUT I COULD GO A FEW DAYS OR EVEN MONTHS NOT SEEING HIM BUT THIS IS JUST INSANE. I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO A PERSON THAT I SIT AROUND AND SAY I CAN MANAGE IT BUT I CAN’T I WANT SOMEONE TO FIND OUT HOW I CAN TALK TO MY BOY. I MISS TIMMY SO MUCH IT IS JUST GOING TO COME OUT SO CRAZY WHEN IT GETS BUILT UP HOW CAN I NOT KNOW HIS TWO AND EVEN A THIRD CHILD FOR 2 FUCKING 2 FUCKING YEARS I HAVN’T SEEN TIMMY(2) OR JAYLEE ADORABLE CHILDREN AND IF ANYTHING HAS GONE WRONG WITH THOSE KIDS BECAUSE OF THE ABSENSE OF DAD. I NEVER WANTED TO HURT HIM ? DID I COLD HAVE I HAVE WANTED TO HURT HIM RUN HIM AWAY. GOD KNOWS I’D ACCEPTED I HAD BEEN BURNED BEFORE BUT I NEVER TOUCHED HIM AND EVEN AT THAT AS HE WAS OLDER I COULD RARELY CONSIDER IT AND IN TRUTH VERY FEW LITTLE CHANGES WOULD HAVE BEEN NEEDED BUT HE LOVED ME DEEPLY LEGITIMATELY IF THERE WERE QUESTIONS I THINK I WOULD HAVE KNOWN . I MEAN IF HE WANTED ME SEXUALLY HE CAN’T BLAME THAT ON ME . I HAVEN’T SEEN TIMMY IN YEARS YEARS. HOW THE HELL COULD HE AND I LOSE THAT MUCH TIME TOGETHER???”?? LOOK HE SPENT ALL HIS FREE TIME WITH ME HE WAS BARELY HAVING TIME TO HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE HE WAS SO MAD AT ME BUT HELL HE SHOWED NO INTEREST IN GIRLS NONE OF REAL SUSTAINA BLE BELIEF THAT I CAN PUT OUT MY HAND AND SAY THIS GIRL CHEWED TIMMY UP PISSED HIM OUT AND HURT HIM I CAN’T SAYHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ACTOR AND A GOOD ONE THE ONLY REAL INTIMATE GIRL RELATIONSHIP HE HAS HAD OF ANY REAL CONSEQUENSE WAS TOTALLY SEXLESS. THE TROPHY GIRLS. IF YOUR TOP DOG WITH THE DUDES YOU CAN GET A LOWER RANKING TRIBAL REALATION (MALE) TO TEND TO YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS OUT OF JUST SHEER HONOR. HIS FRIEND WORLD TO SUCK OFF TIMMY WOULD BE AN HONOR . HE WOULD BE THE PRIMAL NXT IN LINE BECAUSE FIRST HE HAD THE KNOWLEDGE THAT TIM WAS GETTING SERVICED BY RYAN NOT TYNA HE HAD NO REASON TO OPEN HIS MOUTH CAUSE IF HE SAID A WORD TIM WOULD BEAT HIM UP. BUT IF HE SAID NOTHING HE COULD GO ON HAVING THAT PRIME ALPHA MALE CLOSEST THING TO A STRAIGHT GUY EXCEPT THIS ALPHA MALE WILL KINDA BREAK YOUR HEART I WOULD SAY HE BROKE A LOT OF HEARTS. THEY WORSHIPED HIM WELL EVEN THEN THEY MAY HAVE BEENS STRAIGHT BUT TIMMY TURNED’EM OUT ONCE THEY WERE GETTING A PIECE OF THAT SHLONG THEY SAY EVERYTHING DIFFERENTLY. NOW I STILL SAY IN ALL POSSIBILITY I COULD BE WRONG. BUT JESUS HOW COULD HE HAVE KNOWN WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I KNOW I MESSED THINGS AND I WAS WILLING TO TAKE MY KNOCKS IF OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS TARNISHED IIN PURITY GOD!!!! YEAH HE SHOWED ME ! WHEN I GET THEIR HYSTERIA BLOOMS OUT ON THE LAST DAY ALL OF OUR LOVE HE JUST CHOKED IT AND KILLED IT. 5 HOURS OF VITUPERATIVE HELL HE WANTED ME TO FINALLY SEE WHAT REAL PAIN WAS LIKE OH YEAH I WAS GOING TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE. I REVEALED SECRETS NOT ABOUT HIM (THAT’S BULLSHIT) ABOUT ME I WAS THE SINNER ME ME!! AND NOT SO MUCH THAT HE CAME OUT LOOKING LIKE A INNOCENTE HE WAS MORE INNOCENT THE DAY THOSE THINGS WERE SURFACED THAN ANY DAY. I FOUND OUR WHAT THE RUMORS WERE WITHEVERY BODY IN THE FAMILY AND YOU CAN SEE HOW COULD IT NOT BE GOOD TO CLEAR ME EVERY BODY NEW I WAS SO THE ASSUMTION WAS EASIER TO TAKE THAN NOTHING WAS GOING ON AT ALL EVER. THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING OR HE WOULD SEEM COMPLICIT. THE ONLY REASON I GOT CONFUSED WAS BECAUSE I GOT TO BELIEVING THAT I WAS THE ONE BEING BLIND. IT WAS SAID THAT WE WERE “UNUSUALLY CLOSE FOR A STEPSON AND STEPDAD RELATIONSHIP” PEOPLE COULD SEE ALL KINDS OF LOOKS BETWEEN US. MY DEFERING TO HIM BABYING HIM… GIVING HIM PILES OF MONEY. HELL YEAH I WANTED HIM AND ONLY HIM. BUT THAT WASIN’T HIS FAULT SO I HAVE MYSELF VIRTUALLY APPEAR TO BE A CHILD MOLESTER TO THE ENTIRE FAMILY YET HE THINKS THIS MAKES HIM??? HIM?? LOOK BAD?? I SING HIS PRAISES FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY PSYCHOLOGICAL BULLSHIT TO MAKE IT ALL MORE REAL. ABOUT HOW MATURE HE WAS. HOW LOYAL TO ME HE WAS HOW UNPREJUDICED HE WAS HE HELD ME UP WHEN I WAS DOWN WHEN SUPPOSEDLY WHAT MADE HIM SICK TO RETCHED DEATH WAS MY POSSIBLE SEXUAL ATTRACTIONS TO HIM. SO I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SEE THIS WHOLE THING MADE FRESH. HIM GENEROUSAND UNDERSTANDING BEYOND HIS YEARS. UNWAVERING LOVE FOR ME SUCH THAT EVEN THOUGH I HAD FELT THAT WAY HE COULD LOOK THE OTHER WAY AND DIDN’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT. HE TOOK HITS ON MY BEHALF SUPPOSEDLY SUFFERING RIDUCULE AND TALK EVEN THOUGH I WAS THE CULPRIT. THE PROBLEM WAS I WAS TOO STUPID TO JUST CAN THE BS IGNORE KEVIN AND ANYBODY ELSEA!! ALL THESE PEOPLE WERE LYING TO ME AND I BELIEVED THEM ONCE EVER OR AT ALL. AND I KNEW FELL INTO MY ARMS WHEN HE SAW ME AGAIN IN A FEW DAYS HE WAS BY MY SIDE AS MUCH AS HE COULD BE EVEN INVENTING ODD MARITAL PROBLEMS AND HIS NEED TO GET AWAY FROM JIN JINS SMOTHERING NATURE AND HER UNWILLINGNESS TO SHARE HIS EXUBERANCE FOR SEX …. FRIGID…. WHAT WAS HE GOING TO DO??? HELL AT THE TIME IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME JUST GIVE IT SOME TIME. I HAD NO TIME. TIME WITH TIMMY HURT BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS GONE SO WAS MY WHOLE WORLD. BEING FREE OF HIM WAS A MIRACLE AND I HAD MANAGED TO DISTANCE MYSELF FROM HIM AND HE WAS BACK. HELL I WAS SO SO INTO LETTING HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE SEE THAT I COULD DO WITH OUT HIM. THAT I THINK I DESTROYED HIS WORLD HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT IF I WAS TO TAKE EVERYTHING LITTERALLY THAT THE TRUTH WAS THERE FOR ME HE WAS READY TO MAKE IT BACK HE MANIPULATED KEVIN AND FINALLY MANAGED TO BE SO BAZARRE IN HIS BEHAVIOR ABOUT COMING DOWN THAT KEVIN THINKS HE HAS A LITTLE MENTAL PROBLEM FROM DRUGS. FINALLY THOUGH WITH NO GUARANTEE FROM TIMMY HE ASKES ME TO COME WHICH SENDS TIMMY TO KEVINS IN MISSOURI ACTING LIKE “DANG IT WHAT’S THAT BASTARD DOING UP HERE” AND HE ONLY RELENTS AND SHOWS WHEN HE MADE HIS WAY DOWN THERE IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A MISTAKE. HE IS CERTAIN HE WILL WIN ME AND EASILY TO WORK WITH HIM AND DUMP KEVIN BUT I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT HIS MOTIVE. SEE KEVIN WAS THE BOSS OR BUSINESS PERSON THAT I WAS GOING IN PARTNERSHIP WITH BECAUSE WE WERE GOING TO STOKE THE BUSINESSI WASN’T GOING TO FUCK KEVIN OVER. SO WHEN I ACCIDENTLY HIT ON A STRANGE ATTEMPT AT UNDERSTANDING HISTORY AND SAY I KNOW I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE PUNISHMENT. HE TOOK ME AT MY WORD AND NEVER COULD LET UP FROM THE RAGE. I WANTED TO COME OUT THERE AND LIVE WITH HIM. BUT NO GIN GIN IS PREGNANT. THERE WILL BE STRIFE. AND HE KNOWS THIS BEFORE HE SMASHES MY WORLD. I IMAGINED EVERYTHING BUT TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD. BUT THE REALITY WAS A BACKFIRE JEALOUSY ANGER RAGE. SO NO NOW I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT UNF;INISHED BUSNESS WE HAVE. BUT I KNOW HE FEELS IT MORE DEEPLY THAN I DID CAUSE I WOULD HAVE MOVED THE WORLD TO GET TIMMY TO SEE ME IN FAVOR A GAIN!! AND HE JUST COULDN’T DO IT. SO MUCH INSTABILITY I WASN’T THERE FOR HIM;….I PLANNED TO GO IN AGAINST HIM WITH KEVIN YEAH BECAUSE I HADN’T SPOKEN TO TIMMY AND I WANT’D TO BE AROUND FAMILY AND TIMMY ALWAYS COULD GET ME TO FAVOR HIS IDEAS HIS PLANS BUT I HAD PROMISED OTHER THINGS TO KEVIN LEGIT NO SUBTERFUGE HIS ARRIVAL WAS ALWAYS TO STRANGE TO EVERYONE. IT HAS TO BE FIXED!!! I HAVE TO MEND IT ALL I NEVER BORE HIM ILL WILL BUT I WAS MORAL TOO. I NEVER NEW HOW SENSITIVE HE WAS. HE WAS READING MORE SUBTLETY THAN I IMAGINED HE WAS CAPAPBLE OF……WHAT HE CLAIMED I HAD DONE JUST NEVER ADDED UP THE ONLYTHING HE COULD HAVE REALLY BEEN MAD ABOUT WAS THAT I WASN’T GIVING UP MY LIFE FOR HIM. THERE WAS A TIME I WOULD HAVE. BUT NOT ON A LARK. JUST COME BY IN A CHEVEL AND YOUR SHIT COLLECTED AND SAY IT’S A YOU AND ME WORLD AND I FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE.
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