Hello everyone, though many do not read it is nice to have an occacional marker to refer to that is ordered to some extent for my own use. I did think at one time due to the intellectual content of much of my scribbles, that nerds and metaphysicists of all sorts would come bounding out of there cubicals giving me feedback at least occasionally enough to add more compunction to my punctuality and consistency. Nevertheless, It's not like I expected to be a big blog hit with offers to serialize and commercialize my site. I don't have that much talent or computer knowledge to make my site visually appealing nor am I politically provocative. Not because I am insane but more likely because my views are to arcane or diverse as well as extradisciplinary, and not one minded. I knew I wouldn't be a Wonkette or Instapundit, but occasional comments I thought might come my way by browsers looking for someone who could write about a variety of topics might buy me 2 or 3 regular readers a week. Not too high an aim. Didn't happen. Comments I have had were from illiterates and one or two passerbys for a total of maybe 4 in approximately 8 months. I started posting more than a post a day and then sometimes very long ones a week or so apart. Now it has ground to about a once a month whim. I am planning to start back as I have been doing an enormous amount of writing in my journal. I have written close to 100 pages on small ruled notebook paper in about 3 months, much of it in 5 to 10 page segments in irregular time frames. But productivity and value have for me been much improved. Somehow I think I can't write my most serious growth in the blog for fear of losing it. I need to find a way to download this thing I guess. Maybe I should just print it all out as I write on here so I can feel no dread of impermenancy that could be clogging my creative spouts. I will print this one out and see if that can't happen. It is certain that my note book has no photos or drawings yet. But much of my older writing is obviously immature although I have saved a lot of art with it. More of my saved writing has been sorted as well, and neither does it contain any of the breezy daily dialoges of the type I have through out my blog that reads so tacky in places. It's not that I don't mean much of whatI have written in my blogs so much as my manner of expression seems to conceal a more ruminating broodish attitude that I did not intend to reflect. Yet Boo!! There it is. Is it my uncounscious spilling through? I don't know how. Because what is reflected when I write I think is only a state of mind that comes adrift in consequence with moments that writing is paired up with states of mind of the sort I maybe did not recognize as being a commonality with the push to write. Similarly at this moment I am in a state of economic desertification caused much by my own attitude of narcisistic neglect for my own whims to be delimited by uninteresting work with low pay combined with health problems that employers seem to force you to reveal to the point of telling the story of your life. It is a slow process where one answer or revelation unearths more questions furthering more curiosity to the point of what I simply consider unethical. Similarly lack of interest in the job I had been doing, although the pay is good by other standards in this meager economic state called Arkansas, To continue with out interest is also unethical. Many in that field find that to be no impediment. I do not think a person can do work as a Nursing Assistant without a strong moral imperative and the ability to maintain it with emotive conviction. Thus many are in the hands of the disinterested, dispassionant, pretenders who shortcut their work for a cigarette break or just more free time to gossip about who's fucking who, and probing for info to see who they can backstab to get over on. Likewise they are also ( many of them ) Highschool drop outs. Low class people have found a way to make a bigger buck by doing a job many wouldn't or couldn't do for reasons already described by virtue of paltry home training brought about in some occasions by poverty of parents or grandparents where by the have been forced to care for a family member that is disabled in some form brought about by neglect, drug abuse, child abuse, alcholism, cigarette smoking, malnutrition and a poverty of education that could serve to dislodge them from certain inherent non-nutritive lifestyle spirals that remain entrenched due to policies invite learned helplessness. Add to this the number of families battling to stay afloat economically in a country of increasing upper class wealth and cynical leaders having no vision for any change for the better by any avenue of the multiple potential streaming of the information flood where by novelty is a natural emergent phenomena preached by the pantheon doctrinare of the world bank and all evolutionary sociologist new age pundits. This is not what is happening. Yet if we stay the course gold is at the end of the rainbow. In the mean time, Mom and Dad Work 50 hr. weeks their children see them only when they are spent, tired, and irritable. Only to be blessed by layoffs, retraining for another thankless job where they again will not be valued after 10 years of loyalty. They may find pension funds shrunken, packages for early retirement to trim the fat and eventually move operations to indonesia. We constantly fighting cell phone fraud propagators in which we are tied by contract with no binding arbitration clauses. If not them It's spam, ID theft, or misfiled, misbilled, Bill collectors for the wrong person with the same name.
See the bitterness in my vitriole. well. I can't work. Bills are piling up. Mom and Dad are not gonna be a pliable as when I paid them back via loans they have carried between 4 and 28 thousand dollars for 16 years. Since at the present they see my health problems to threaten my ability to find gainful employment Bankruptcy may be my only choice. In rolls the dark clouds of indeterminancy.
Who might believe that actually I stay mainly happy through all of it! Truth is life is but a long class in every subject and I like to learn even now. Wish I could go back to school and get a Masters and Doctorate. Keep striving to learn and you will soon notice you are a miracle and when the natural becomes Miraculous....! you know who you are. and you know that you know little, but it matters only that you keep learning marvels to come... you then invite it.... all of it.
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