Wow, why do I doubt myself? Why do we doubt our own perceptions? Well it could easily come from our glad made plans in great proportion do not work out, or at least don't afford us the wonders we expected...over time. Then with more time and ......after we thought we adjusted for those misperceptions that misguided out thinking about future outcome,...still in majority these schemes don't materialize in a form expected or to a level of contentment we'd hoped they would supply.
This is one theory.....How much phychology is there to this? How much Technology? ( and don't bother me now with their overlapping realities)
From the outside so many of my friends and family (yes even family) think that because of certain factors thy see from the out side that I can not fail to be happy. I have all I could ever want. This is only an illusion.
I am living with my parents. And I more and more simply hate it. I try as best I can to not dissappoint them but this seems to be the theme of my life. Before I left home and now that I have returned.
My son Timmy thinks that money is the key to happiness. He thinks that because I have access to happiness that I am a greedy bastard to dare ask to live with his family (never mind the fact that I was promised by his blood that I could always go there) I live in a pretty house. My parents have pretty cars and pretty appliances and household furniture. My parents have money in the bank. They are not happy. They have learned (because my dad was a pastor of a large church) to project the very image of wholesome family delight. And that image to the best of their ability is still projected.
But, back to the fact that I have been the entertainment piece for their failed relationship has had an effect on me..... OH how you would love to have had smiling vacations to places all over the US and abroad.... But see it as you being the center of attention and expectation. It seemed they were always asking themselves are we making him happy enough? I always had to be happy enough. because if I weren't ..... that would be ungratefulness...
Now 5 years after moving home to live with mom and dad in their older years I am even more the focus of their interests. I have a new job and they want me to make money at it. At first in enjoyment of the separation from home and the books ( I love books. And thats what I am selling to libraries) I sold books and made it look easy and now they in all their wonderous devotion and love have bought me a big red truck and I have rented a trailer from the book company to sell more and carry more. But they have wanted into the mix. I have allowed the investment and even my dad drives the truck when the schools are close to home.
I no longer enjoy a job I loved because of the burden they remind me of. I have a truck to pay off. I have trailer payments to make and each no sale is an issue. 2 days using the trailer my dad pops up " maybe this trailer idea isn't such a good idea in this part of the country".......he says "have you thought about that" I said "no and It would .not even enter my mind until I had met with a month or so of declining sales. Every sale or no sale makes them rife with remarks. they are fully emotionally and economically invested in this situation and every item they talk of is on the negative side. They are my parents and what they say has always affected my attitude. They are about to guarantee my failure. "well no sale" "here we are back" to mother...."1000.00 dollar sale!" sarcastically ha ha..... mom: Well your not even paying for your gas in this think yet are you? yes I am. but I don't tell her that and it is beside the point. It is constant and it is a burial. And no advice please of have you discussed this with them? You might have forgotten....We are the happiest most pleasant and picture perfect family you can find. With that preconcieved idea how would they ever even know about their negativity. I could relay to you example after example. But what good would it do if you ever popped in for a visit....." OH stephen you are so lucky, they are so nice and they love you so much .... yah and what??? BULLSHIT!
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