Today I am happier even than yesterday because even though I haven't started calling for appointments for book selling which went well yesterday.... I did one little thing just before I was going to start making my calls.
I get up rather early by course of habit. It gives me time to gather my thoughts in quiet and time to myself and allows me to just ready myself for the day. I read on the internet. Look a little at the news. Check the price of oil, and take my medicine and drink my morning coffee. By chance, I noticed, like the day before, nightraven30 was online on my messenger ( he is my stepson Kevin), and I like the day before wrote are you getting ready for work? no answer; not unusual. Then He became available again and, I said "gone to work?" Like I had done the day before and some one answered yes he is at work and I asked a few more questions and commented. But the other day I just figured I had to be writing to Candice; She is the oldest daughter of Kevin's and I figured she was up for school or maybe it hadn't started yet but I never guessed that I might actually be talking to his wife Jolie. Today out of curiosity I asked? Is this Candice? and the answer came back to my astonishment and glee..." No, she has gone to school this is Jolie." I left it short and simple but said "Thank you, Nice to hear from you... will let you get back to whatever you were doing, But thanks again." In reference to both the fact that she had told me when Kevin would be home and that she had spoken to me and Identified herself. I didn't want to push it. I said bye and so did she....., well that was great! I really hadn't expected ever to talk to her on a messenger much less any other way. Not to string it all out .....but There had been an enormous family argument in which she felt quite hurt or so it seemed (she refused to talk to me) Kevin kept telling me she will get over it and well it's been way over a year and I just didn't think she would. What was so bad about it all was not that just she wouldn't talk to me but that the whole argument ended up being about so many things to so many different people that the real argument itself really is so trivial as to not even be worth mentioning. In the long run I totally lost communication with my stepson Tim who had always been the closest to me of all the 6 children. Used me to get back to Texas and then let all the hell he (apparently for years) had been holding in. The very thing I had given him so much credit for: namely putting up with me and apparently enjoyed putting up with me since we had a friendship that we both had promised practically in blood that we would never forsake unconditionally; because the fact was we already had both hurt one another greviously over and over and it seemed that nothing could ever break the tie we had with one another. Little did I know that all mine sins were being added up on a little mental calculator he held, where as I was none the wiser, and in fact I admired his ability to put up with my shit so much that it even added to how much I practically worshiped him. Well he as much as killed me Jan. 2 2004 and I have been recovering from that heartslicing agony for months now. But in the last 2 or 3 months I have actually been able to go a day sometimes without thinking about it. Well this story is getting longer than I intended but,
The point is I had developed a good friendship with jolie over about a 6 month period that was close enough that I included her easily in some of the past truths about our family that really I think almost everybody knew about maybe not everybody new as much detail as some, but I didn't think this 6 year old secret (that I thought was actually is some ways hurting Tim's reputation for the lack of clarity involved) was not something that had to be hidden. His mom knew all about it, his Sister did, and I figured If Kristi knew everybody had to surely know some version of the story..... well I just let Jolie in on it and some of her observations combined with what I already knew lead to a bad bad fight that I think she thought I blamed her for. I never did but I don't think she was really convinced. So I lost a son as surely as if he were dead and a new friendship ( And if I had listened to Jolie in the first place ) It wouldn't have taken so long for the other shoe to drop (Tim's outcasting me). So there that is. Well She actually talked to me on the internet today! I know it doesn't mean we are suddenly best friends again but at least maybe Kevin was right she will eventually see I meant her no harm. It was my fear that because she would have nothing to do with me, that since the boys have all the means in the family,.. And Timmy my failsafe was gone. That meant that I probably would end up out of any family events of anykind from now on and I just wouldn't see anybody again. Now I am not out of the woods yet but at least there is hope that Jolie's friendship may be salvageable. As it turns out ( I found out in Jan.2) that Timmy hated my having told Jolie anything. Especially Jolie. Why? I don't know that. But to him that was the very meaning of betrayal. I could have done nothing worse. I certainly don't think this is something she and I will be reminicing about anytime soon in fact it probably should be left dead and buried at least in terms of discussion. I believe now in validation. I won't ever talk about anything I can't record of a sensitive nature. And since I don't carry a tape recorder as a matter of habit, until I do, talking about delicate topics won't be carried out except under special circumstances.
I also believe in honesty but many would say that is false.... if not dishonest I at least am a manipulator. In my heart all I want is acceptance for who I am. I think that faulty communication, misunderstandings and this clunky English language we have been stuck with is the root of much pain and suffering. So many people see the world in such a cynical way and believe that people say things to hurt other people. I say someone is fat when they are fat. They supposedly know I love them anyway but if I am asked... Do you think so and so is fat (and they are fat) I will say "yes whatsidoodle is FAT " And I will tell my fat friend that they are fat. not in front of a crowd.... but I will tell them for certain if they ask. I think the truth is the most important thing we can search for and sometimes that truth is terribly painful. But I would rather know Timmy thought what he thought than live thinking otherwise. Now I understand more about people and more about life and although it was my own big mouth that led to the result, I would not change one thing. Now I know the truth... It is a strange truth too but I will leave the details for others to consider.....I know I am out of someones life to protect them. And I know they would sacrifice me to protect themself. I am just sorry Jolie was a casualty of that conflict. The truth hurts but I never meant for any of the scrapnel to hit her. If we all knew the truth about one another it is the belief of many people that we would all kill one another. But I think the reverse. If we all knew what we all thought forgiveness would flow across the world like purifying rain.... for we would all see that the truth is the same in everyone. We all want to be loved we all love someone and we all have faults that we are powerless to change. Everyone has been at one time a victim. Everyone has been at one time a hero. We have all cried for love, been in love, missed love, lost love, and the whole world is full of the possibility of miracles, beauty, sadness, hope, tradgedy, and wonder ...... wonder at the miracle that it is all possible. The Ancients have said The Universe is ONE. And though god appears in all of the most inexplicable disguises he is ONE , and we are part of it all. We are all one. Kubilius Said " Free will is an illusion, for it is synonmous with incomplete perception". This is a truth whose logic is inescapable and thus it follows that no man is guilty, no man is to blame,..... for none can know further than he can name..... so the world appears divided because we can only see a part. Aldous Huxley Said " If the doors of perceptions were cleansed all would appear infinite and holy the sea would flow in our veins the stars would be our jewels and no one would every feel desire for petty vices or deceptions they would be but blotches that only serve to block the beauty and wholeness of the light. To see and be that beautiful light we would but push away pettiness and blame like pests in our line of sight. All would know the uselessness of vanity and pride like we know the uselessness of garbage and waste that we have taken away daily by out toilets, showers, and the garbage man....LOL well, Huxley stopped talking a long way back there!!!! lol any way that's what I think..........until tomorrow signing off.... Stephen deadman.
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